I just want to point out in the beginning of this post that I know I don’t know everything, actually very far from it the older I get the more I realize how much I don’t know. Also, that I just have a lot of opinions and complaints that I need to get out there so this is essentially a public journal/diary. Now then.
Imposter Syndrome. What is that, you say? It’s soul-sucking, self-doubt-inducing, confidence-crushing bullshit. A more politically correct definition is this: “collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success” (Harvard Business Review). It’s funny because I have some close friends who experience it and I support them saying things like: “You definitely deserve to be in graduate school” and “You are very intelligent; if you weren’t, you wouldn’t be here”. And I fully believe those statements. Yet, I feel the rampant chaos of imposter syndrome swirling in my brain a majority of the time. I think it’s much more prevalent in graduate students than they let on, but that’s probably because in my eyes, most people try to persuade the general population that they’re confident and they need no one’s help.
Grad school just amplifies the imposter syndrome effect quite frankly. I felt it while in college. Hell, I tweeted a popular meme during my graduation:
And it just keeps getting worse. Maybe of us experiencing it in graduate school aren’t nearly as confident as we let on, or maybe I’m just wrong in thinking that it runs wild through most grad students’ minds. But if I’m not, what does that say about graduate school in general? What does it say about our culture? To me, it screams that graduate school is a hostile environment meant to beat you down over and over until you think you can’t get back up again. And some of us don’t. But for those of us that do, why? I don’t know, maybe we’re brainwashed, maybe we’re sadistic and love the pain.
Graduate school, at least in college, is portrayed as this wonderful place where you collaborate and make awesome discoveries and contribute to the world. It’s sugar-coated, dipped in chocolate, with a nice bow on top. In reality, at least in my experience with a top tier research university with at least an undergrad population of 50k, it’s not that nice. Few professors seem to care about you as a person, they just care about their research and getting funding to do their research. Which I fully think they should care about, but if I’m committing 5-7 years of my life to have you as my mentor, I would hope you’d care about my education and well-being just a little bit.
Now, this could very well just be this school or this program or what have you as I know my friend had a very welcoming and helpful experience with a different department at our uni. Maybe large programs are the problem. A smaller department could focus more on fewer students’ needs and make sure they’re getting the help they need. Perhaps potential graduate students should be looking at smaller universities to do their grad work at. After all, it doesn’t matter where your Phd comes from as long as it’s an accredited university right? I doubt that. Everything is about politics nowadays. I came from a well-known research institute for my undergraduate experience, but others I know did not and they have definitely experienced “school-discrimination” just based off where they got their bachelor’s degree. Why would that stop in graduate school?
The Man. This is just a rant I have about general public education. I think it’s terrible. As I’m sure many hundreds/thousands/millions what-have-you’s do. This is probably entirely based on the fact that I am one of those few who don’t fit into the cookie cutter learning type of lecture-listening. Thankfully, I figured this out waayyyyy before I got to graduate school, but still. There are those unlucky students who never figure it out and are setup to fail. I realize that the public education system is just doing what fits the majority of the population but how many Einsteins, Newtons, Poes, deGrasse Tysons, Shakespeares, Dickinsons, etc are we missing out on because we don’t have anything to cater to the others who are gifted yet don’t learn in the traditional style?
Adulting is hard. 